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The Launch

Background: Highschool, 1998(i think), stoned...


Boundries no longer exist to me. I fell it coming soon.

It's warping me inside. The dept is incredible. She sucks me in…  deep inside…

We combine and the immense energy burst out…

Like supernova releases it's energy consuming everything on it's way.

But it's not just me, she is charging to me…

The impact is incredible and the doors to infinty are open.

We see it, it's glowing brightly and we feel it's  energy like we feel sun's heat on our skin

and it's refeuling us, givin us energy, we expand into infinty and we find the answer…

Humanity? It's funny, perhaps dumb, but people still hope!

I can't see, understand why I can't hope too. It is not science fiction, it is our mind, not our, mine! 

People no longer see, understand what is going on with me.

I can't find the way to show them the joy and happines, which I feel.

Where, how? Imagine...





Background: Home, 27.9.2001, depression


Again I gaze into the void, the dark energy is alive...

Calling me over and over again, inside, where she wants me.

I'm not ready to join her, not ready to let my self go.

A while ago, everything was showing that I was ready, but...

Today, I gaze again at the edge, inside, waiting for a push...

I must jump alone, to let myself go...





Background: Home, 12.4.2002


As long as i stare, I cannot do anything.

Still, I want to do it.

I can feel it in my guts!

I dare not to release it, I do not know it.

I know it is growing, stronger and stronger, bigger and bigger.

Trying to break free, brake free from the enchanted ring,

the bond on which i'm running in circles.

Looking inside, into void.

It's tearing me apart, my soul splits.

And i sense it.

I can even feel it.

It's twitch i can see on my skin.

Time will come, when I let myself go,

when i jump,

it will be born,

with a scream...





Background: Home, 27.6.2002, allmost depressed


I try and I try.

Is it enough? Perhaps not...

Like the worst winter, the worst cold, like ice.

My body is frozen, but I'm still alive, kicking, screaming, trying to explode.

Looking for a fuse, searching for the forbiden red button.

But I can't reach it, I can't find it.

More and more I get the feeling that I don't know what i'm searching for...

Do I like this frozen cage, that's keeping me from reaching it?

No, I'm afraid. Of myself, of what I might become.

Who is this alien, that's hidden in my depths, in my soul?

Inside of a cage, below the icy skin...


The cold is getting to me, trying to brake me.

Will, no, should I allow it?






Background: Home, 30.11.2002


Could it be that things are so simple?

Could it be that the inprisoned alien is just my body?

Could it be that my body is screaming and kicking, trying to break free,

to explode, to implode, to jump from the edge into the abyss, to just live,

to be free and be beautiful ?

Could it be that my soul, my perverted soul, is keeping my body inprisoned ?

Could it be that my soul is eating drugs, just to keep my body in jail, in this icy cage ?

Could it be that the alien isn't the issue, but rather my soul is ?

Could it be that the source of my fears isn't my alien ?

Could it be that the source of my fears is my soul, my perverted soul ?

Could it be that my soul isn't perfect ?

Could it be that my soul is what needs to be liberated,

liberated from all these drugs...

Could it be that after releasing my soul, after cleaning it from all these drugs,

my alien will be free, I'll be free...?

Could it be that I'm wrong ?

Could it be that things are so simple...





Background: Home, 07.12.2002


I've collected the teeth, so the ceremony can begin.

At this crazy hour, I give my word, my promise to the world.

Never again shall my soul be given the pleasure of eating drugs.

The teeth are broken and as long as I wear them,

I have the control...

Liberation will come, soon...




Shit happned

Background: Home, angry, 16.03.2003


In simple words, I fucked up again.

Saying one thing, but doing something else...

Showing one face, but hiding the other.

The pattern is obvious, but solution is not...

But what would the solution be?

To face my fears? To beat the shit out of them?

To take control? To be active? To be alive?

Alive, active, control? What does this mean?

To be able to show my feelings, to be able to speak about them!

To be honest? It is so much easier to lie, to hide, to run away, to be a coward...

Familiar lyrics are just an index in my private array of feelings.

Allthough the mechanism is simple, the retrived data is corrupt.

Playing stupid is hurting me, hurting others...

But I mean you no harm...

Is this true?

What if I really want to hurt others, me?

Tears, pain, screaming, which are not mine, would they make me happy?

Complete? Active, alive, in control?

Control would be the first thing I would lost.

Just another drug... And I said no to them.

I carry the teeth!

Perhaps I should borrow a book or two...

Teach yourself how to show your feelings in 21 days?

Feelings for dummies?

My perverted soul is screaming...

Shrink and prozac sound like a good combo... drugs again...

First i have to expose my soul, to find what or who am I.

"I'm the bitch u hated..."

The words are heavy and powerful...

I should listen to them, but every once in a while,

while not looking, shit does happen...

Trully and madly...


Any comment is welcome...

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